Turn Around!

I had a funny occurrence this week. I read and speak Hebrew quite well actually, but the weird cursive fonts used on some packaging can still be very confusing. A particular brand name had me confused forever – it just didn’t make sense and I knew I had it wrong, but didn’t know how to pronounce it. As I was doing hitbodedut earlier in the week, I suddenly saw the package and realized that I didn’t know what it said because I had been reading it with a peh and really it was a shin (in cursive, they are basically the same shape, just the direction is reversed – one faces right, and the other faces left). Once I realized that I had the opposite letter, it read easily and it made sense!

So there I was, thinking – “OK Hashem, why this now, in my hitbodedut, while I'm trying to do chesbon hanefesh (spiritual accounting of my actions)?” The answer was apparently obvious once I asked it – clearly there are things in my life, and everyone’s life, that we cannot understand. They just don’t make sense. We try to wrap our minds around it, and we just end up more confused. What’s the problem? We are looking at the problem from the exact opposite angle of the truth – just like from one direction it is a peh, but see it from the other direction (ie flip it around) and you get a shin. I am looking po (here, seeing myself, the “I” or the ego) and the truth is understandable once you look shama (there, seeing Hashem).

And this is where we make our mistakes, and this is why the essential and most important aspect of doing teshuva is turning around. If G-d forbid we’re facing away from Hashem, then everything we see will be backwards. And unfortunately sometimes it does sorta look like it makes sense, even backwards, but we’re not seeing the truth at all. We have to first turn and face Hashem, and be willing to honestly look at our lives and where we are holding, and where it is leading us. Here are some simple examples, generalizations from my own life, Hashem has helped me see recently:

-I am so frustrated with my husband not filling his responsibilities, and he really isn’t! But I can't see that the pushing is making everything worse, just like the rubber band that bounces back the tighter you pull it…and as I am learning Women’s Wisdom (enter the importance of the good advice of the tzaddik in your life!!!) and working on appreciating him per the advice in his book. Everything is turning around so quickly, because instead of looking at my husband, I'm focusing on myself AND working on appreciating him, and now I see that he has been doing so much all this time, even if it wasn’t everything I expected…and big surprise, admitting that I am not fulfilling all of my responsibilities 100% either. All I had to do was turn around to see that the situation was the exact opposite of what I thought it was.

-I used to think that people holding this or that chumra were insane. Now that I'm sitting and learning pashut Halacha, I see that many things I thought were chumrot are not at all. In actuality, I was holding by many, many heterim, albeit that everyone around me also holds – but they aren’t the simple halachah. They are incredible leniencies that I can clearly see result in many halachic problems because people inevitably use (and I know they are using) the gaping holes created by them in ways the heter does not expect, and in some things, people aren’t even holding by the heter – the heter is being used in conditions that are clearly against the original conditions in the original teshuva that people are supposedly holding by! I am changing my life in big ways just to hold by the Shulchan Aruch plain and simple (as Rabbi Arush says – halevai, if only every person could just follow the Shulchan Aruch simply, forget one single chumra! And Rabbi Nachman requires everyone to learn Halacha every day, if only 2 halachot a day, for this reason as well – how can you hope to fulfill the Torah if you are not learning what you need to fulfill?). I thought the truth was one thing, but I see that it is the exact opposite.

Update on Arush Family

I am overjoyed to report that all are significantly on the mend! My husband was finally able to go tonight, and I was able to reach another friend who visited him at the end of the last week. Reb Shimon Arush is doing much, much better and the hospital is even getting ready to release him!!! Mamash complete miracles. Right now the word is that his wife is going to be kept in Shimirat Herayon (pregnancy hospital bedrest) until she delivers, and I hear that the children are doing much better, but I don’t have details about their release. Our friend believes that they are indeed expected to make a complete recovery, but I don’t have confirmation about that. We were hoping to get some details from Reb Shimon, but he needed to rest and obviously my husband was not going to press him.

I will continue to send updates as I have them.

Additionally, the following was printed in the Chut shel Chessed weekly Torah portion newsletter for this past Shabbos, Beshalach:

A person is required to bless on the bad just as he blesses on the good“Happy is the man that Hashem gives him suffering.” Happy are we that Hashem has chosen us to bring a pure, clean korban (offering) on the Altar of atonement, thank you Hashem that we merited almost two years of the free gift of the presence of the pleasant child Faige Chana z”l (her memory should be a blessing).

We have no choice other than to accept the suffering with love and joy, to thank Hashem that He left the other members of the family alive, and that He has graced us with the daat (holy knowledge) of gratitude and emuna.

Now we need to wake up Am Yisrael to have even more strength to know and believe with complete emuna that from the mouth on high evil does not leave (ie Hashem does not do anything evil), and we must not kick the direction of Hashem Blessed be He, our merciful Father, our perfect Rock – and certainly then we will see eye to eye (ie with our own eyes) how everything is only good for us and all of Am Yisrael, and through us accepting the suffering with love we will turn over the trait of judgment to the trait of mercy and bring redemption and salvation to the whole world.

Similarly when we see harsh judgments and the trait of judgment is taking the lives of gentle children who are free of sin, we must wake up and strengthen ourselves in all aspects of (mitzvot) between man and fellow man, and first and foremost, to distance ourselves from all discord and arguments and baseless hatred, only to honor one to the other and to speak kindly and with honor to every person, and in this merit Hashem will say to stop the slaughter, and send a complete healing to all the sick of Am Yisrael and in particular to those injured in the car crash: Shimon Machluf ben Miriam Varda, Daniela bat Zahava Chaya, Nachman ben Daniela and Miriam bat Daniela.

Emuna and Daat

There is such a need for daat (holy knowledge) in our lives, especially since everywhere the Evil Inclination is trying to fake us out and rob us of true love, joy, connection to Hashem, and everything good. How does he do this? He gives us the klipah, and only if we withstand the test of grabbing onto the klipah, can we get to the real deal. When does he do this? DAVKA when Hashem has the real deal ready and waiting for us! But the test to actually receive that goodness is first to say no to the false version.

There are so many areas where this is true – I’ll give you a few examples and a life story to make this more meaningful.

First off, every woman needs kavod – to feel beautiful, noble, upstanding. She can have this in truth, through being tzniut, and reserving herself for her husband (or future husband) and truly not wanting any other man to notice her. This is true kavod, because to give herself out to anyone else is to throw away her kavod and make herself cheap. The Evil Inclination (EI) tries to trick her, and give her kavod to someone else in other circumstances, someone who sweet talks her, gives her presents, etc and makes her feel good – the klipah of kavod, or the fake version. Sadly this fake version only brings her down, and now she is even more laid bare as she realizes that she has been used…but now her kavod is so broken, that she can fall prey even easier to the next fake who comes her way because she needs those reassuring, sweet words even more…R’ Arush says a woman can even die by this cycle r”l.

Another place I've been seeing this recently is regarding the supposed wisdom of the goyim. We are allowed to believe simple facts – Consumer Reports is a great place to check out safety ratings etc. for goods, for example, as a good friend of mine always says. We can believe those ratings, no problem. But if they say they have Torah – do not believe them! Meaning, if they say that they have a system of wisdom – throw it away. It isn’t wisdom at all. There is so much out there about parenting – but it is just the klipah of proper parenting. Who knows who these authors are, really. Do they even believe in G-d at all? What do they believe are the ideals a human being should be living up to in the first place? What kind of child are we trying to create, anyway? Do we even believe that a truth exists out there with a capital T? It is so easy for it to sound nice, and glossy, and beautiful but look at the foundations – it is IMPOSSIBLE that with such foundations, any of these popular parenting techniques are coming anywhere close to Truth – in this case, the Truth of how to properly raise a child and what we are trying to raise that child to be.

And even worse, how many modalities are out there in the supposedly Torah world, based on the same nonsense! They throw in Torah as proof that these non-Jewish ways of thinking are true. It is the worst form of lie there is. I recently went to an event where a big, big name in Chinuch spoke, and everything he brought as proofs, and explanations, and everything, EVERYTHING was non-Jewish – he even said so! And said that the frum world needs this information, and this is going to prevent children from going off the derech! Everything was completely upside-down in his speech – everything. I was in complete shock. It happens to be that I myself in a previous life studied this entire method he was teaching, except that he had it all wrong – it is true that what he taught would somewhat help people but the basis of all the issues he discussed in every situation was a fundamental flaw in middot. To use his techniques were simply to try to cover up those flaws, like arrogance, perfectionism, etc. – but really, those techniques would never truly be used properly because a person who flies off the handle easily isn’t going to remember to look at his victim in the eye and speak in a measured manner, for instance!

This doesn’t even start to touch the problems we see in shalom bayis, marital harmony. It is hard to read a book and have any clue on what basis the facts are coming from, and if it is truly from the Torah or from somewhere else. Let’s see, the author of a major book in the goyishe world is himself divorced – he clearly knows what he is talking about (Men are from Mars). Psychology – all based on Freud’s recant, when he had it right in the first place but no one wanted to admit that (if you don’t know what I'm referring to you are better off but if you really want to know, email me). Look deeply into its principles and you’ll see that none of it actually makes sense and brings forth a completely flawed view of the human mind.

The truth is that GIGO – Garbage In, Garbage Out. If you fill your mind with garbage, big surprise that garbage comes back out of it in the straightness, or crookedness, of your thinking. That is why we have to let go of our thinking, of our wisdom, of what we “get” and connect into the Tzaddik – someone who thinks straight, and can tell us what is true and not. Then we can apply our minds to see just how wise that truth is, how true that wisdom is, how it applies to our lives perfectly, etc. To follow anything else is to follow the klipa of wisdom, and not wisdom itself.

And what do you need to properly discern the klipah from the real deal? Daat – holy knowledge. And on what is that dependent? EMUNA.

First and foremost, we must strengthen ourselves that the Torah is the ONLY source of wisdom from Hashem Himself. That ONLY a Rabbi who comes from a completely and only Torah perspective can help us (as I quote all the time, R’ Arush says a lot of supposed “rabbis” out there giving advice on shalom bayis, who don’t have it themselves, they are all going to have a nice place in Gehinnom waiting for them for all the bad advice they gave out…I have some great stories if you want them. Including some “rabbis” who have given me “great advice” as well!). To believe that Hashem loves us, He knows everything, and He is the only answer to our problems…sure, you can talk to other people and they will speak to you in a voice – and more often than not, their answers will only lead you to more confusion because they are speaking from their own crooked, broken mind (everyone’s mind is crooked and broken BTW, except for the tzaddikim. They are sane, and we are not). Only Hashem can give you real answers – maybe not with a voice (although sometimes an idea in your head happens), but through lots of signs and signals, if only we would have the EMUNA to know that Hashem IS talking to us through all the things we experience and think, and search for the message, and continue speaking to Him about it all. It’s the longer short way – the answers aren’t quite as fast or obvious, but they are real answers, and when they come it is so obvious that this is the truth, this is the real solution. Speaking to others gets you the short long way – fast answers that only take you farther off track. If you really need to speak to someone, speak only to someone who is either the tzaddik himself (pick one that speaks to you – Rabbi Arush, Rabbi Shternbuch, Rabbi Schwartz, Rabbi Yaakov Ades, to name a few good ones) or someone who is already on a level that they threw out their own mind and can just quote you the tzaddik directly.

It is the only real solution. Along with honest prayer for emuna and daat, and learning emuna and daat via the books of true tzaddikim, only Hashem can give you a real solution to your problems.

With prayers that all of am Yisrael should strengthen themselves to learn about and pray for emuna and daat, and especially to have the daat to speak to Hashem for an hour every single day…

Humility in teshuva

Harav Arush stresses the importance of 30-60 minutes daily of cheshbon hanefesh (but no more or you might get depressed!), which cannot be superseded by anything, not even thanking Hashem! This time is important because in doing teshuva daily, we clean our souls every day. This helps us be happy because without strict judgments, things go smoother and faster in our lives. Additionally, we can actually do proper teshuva because we generally (hopefully, even with “pregnancy/nursing brain”!) remember what we did in the last 24 hours, from the last hitbodedut to the current one, to confess and speak to Hashem about everything we did. If we just try to do so Erev Rosh Hashanah and Erev Yom Kippur, how could we possibly hope to remember everything we need to confess?! And the more detailed the teshuva, the greater the future impact. Besides which asking Hashem for help with a particular chesron is of course much more potent than just asking for help once a year! It’s like cleaning your clothes – clean them when they are hardly dirty after one wear and they can be in good working order for years, always fresh and clean. Clean the same shirt only once a year after wearing after day and well, what is going to be with that shirt? A quick gentle cycle isn’t going to get it clean anymore, is it? And instead of mostly only needing water (which is Torah and prayer, sweet teshuva) you are going to need lots of soap and harsh detergents and G-d knows what suffering to get clean.

OK so here I am, now trying to start doing 30 minutes a day. And I start talking to Hashem about how hard it is! After all, I remember hearing way back when from rabbis who said people nowadays should not even try to do a real cheshbon hanefesh because we are too weak in this generation, we will just fall into depression if we see how low we are. Rabbi Nachman does not agree, vehemently so – this is just another example of pandering to the lowest part of a person instead of strengthening them to do the right thing. But truly, if cheshbon hanefesh can indeed make a person fall into all sorts of self-blame and frustrations, then it definitely does more harm than good. So I asked Hashem to help me do it properly.

Suddenly I realized, and this is the point: The problem with self-blame is actually that I think I should be at A, and when I discover that really I am at B, I will be upset with myself, blaming myself, how could I be only at B? What’s wrong with me? Etc Etc. But this is actually a sheker, a lie based on geiva, arrogance. It is arrogant to believe that I should be at A instead of B, because who am I anyway, that I should be in any particular place?

But it is really so much deeper than that. The truth is: WHO CARES WHERE I AM??? HASHEM DOES NOT!!!

Hashem does not care that a person is at level A or B, high or low. Hashem cares only that each person on their level 1. Knows there level and is happy with it and 2. Strives to go up, to come even closer to Him.

That is it! No more. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you have done, or what place you may find yourself in now. Not at all! Hashem does not care. He only cares that you are truthful with Him about where you are, where you are holding, what your actions, thoughts and feelings are – and that you want, strive and pray to do better!

Hashem loves you just the same, no matter what your level is. In fact, He actually loves you more and is more proud of you for coming to Him with humility as outlined above, as opposed to being angry or upset that you aren’t someone else on someone else’s level, because the former is truth and the latter is falsehood and arrogance, which Hashem hates. And if you fall into complaining about being on a particular level, oy va voy.

And with this new understanding that I have NOTHING to be upset or ashamed about whatsoever! And Hashem loves me very much on my level, trying to be honest and come closer to Him! Then I was able to honestly speak about what I am struggling with without the shame that has kept my mouth shut until now.

I hope it helps you too!!!

Accepting the Tiny Suffering with Emuna

Harav Arush explains in Gates of Gratitude that by thanking Hashem for the small things, even the most tiny things, and accepting them with emuna, one can spare himself 5,000 times that amount of suffering, AND atone for all his sins! Sounds incredible – and it’s really very easy except that we need first to believe completely in Divine Providence even over the tiniest happening.

One example he gives is a person who asks for a hot drink, and receives a cold one – or vise-versa. Accepting this with emuna means taking this very small happening and seeing only Hashem and His Divine Providence – and saying: This is what Hashem wants, and therefore this is what Hashem wants! Such a person smiles, and drinks the “incorrect” drink happily. If the waitress, or wife, or child comes up to him saying – “Oh my, I made a mistake! I'm so sorry! Do you want me to exchange your hot chocolate for the shoko that you ordered?” he says – “No mistakes here, kacha Hashem rotzeh – this is what Hashem wants! Thank you so much!” This person adds mitzvot to his mitzvot, atones for all his sins, and spares himself 5,000 times that amount of suffering.

Let’s see what the opposite looks like – such a person fails to see Hashem and His Divine Providence. Instead, he yells and insults the waitress, his wife, or the child who made the mistake: “You never get it right! This is too cold! This is too hot! I wanted something else! Do you have a brain in your head?” and the like. This person adds many sins to his basket, of course gets no atonement for his sins and will get much more suffering his way c”v.

These examples make this concept seem oh-so-easy. But in real life, I'm finding it very difficult to fulfill. Do I accept it with love when my toddler throws paper pieces all over his just cleaned room and hallway, not yell or get angry, and say – Thank you Hashem for sparing me much worse suffering! Kacha Hashem rotzeh! Hashem did this! Or do I see the toddler… the examples are endless because these little sufferings happen absolutely all the time. They are for the very best if we see Hashem through them, accept them with love and don’t sin against the person or thing which brought us the suffering – including ourselves and the seeming mistakes we make. A person stubs his toe – do you say “Thank you Hashem” or blame yourself for missing the doorstop? As I've begun to notice my reactions, inevitably what seems like such a simple, obvious teaching becomes readily apparent for the very big work that it is. But the first step, as always – is to recognize that this is the truth, want to fulfill it, and PRAY to fulfill it.

Happy Zot Chanukah! Chabura Tonight

B'H

As the sun fades along with the light of Chanukah, I wanted to share with you a small piece of daat that I spoke to Hashem about today during my hitbodedut. It isn’t from Harav Arush exactly, but based on things I have heard from him, as well as from Rabbi Nosson Maimon and Rabbi Michel Twerski of Milwaukee on this subject.

REMINDER: CHABURA MEETS TONIGHT! 8PM

Next week – back to usual Tuesday night 8:15PM

Zot Chanukah is a funny day. It gets me every year. Besides the few hours that the Chanukiah actually burns with the flames of all 8 candles lit, most of the day – the holiest, strongest day of Chanukah – it sits quiet and silent. It’s still Chanukah, but where is the light? I struggle to remember that it is still Chanukah, even – with no presents to look forward to, no candle lighting tonight, no more doughnuts and no more dreidle and gelt.

I was talking to Hashem about this today and suddenly it hit me – the light that burns in the Chanukah candles is the ohr ein sof  - the unending light of Creation. Using it you can see from one end of the world to the other. Really, this day of Zot Chanukah it burns the brightest because it is the connection between the first 7 days when it burned in physicality and the rest of the year, when it burns in spirituality only. And how can we access it the rest of the year?

IN THE TORAH. The Torah is also the ohr ein sof – using the Torah it is possible to see all of Creation, to know everything, if only one knows how to mine the Torah for that information. I believe it was the Chazon Ish (correct me if I'm wrong) who developed a new method of brain surgery in order to help someone who came to him and the doctors didn’t know how to operate on his brain tumor – and the Chazon Ish based on the Torah gave that doctor exact instructions on how to do the surgery an alternate, safer way. Many such stories abound in fact. Rabbi Lazer Brody loves reminding people that you can learn all of geometry through the laws of Sukkah in the Gemara, including pi and others. It is possible to know everything through the Torah.

This comes with an important aside. We must recognize the principle importance of the Torah!!! I hear from people all the time, and even used to believe myself, in Torah that is “added to by the wisdom of the world around us” and the like. Why, we should be worldly Jews, right? NO!!! That is what Chanukah is all about. It gets me every year that as a child in public school I learned all about Greek culture etc. etc. And that “beautiful democratic” society we were taught to love and admire – THAT society is exactly the society that is against the Jews, against Judaism, who we fought and won in the Chanukah story, whose victory over that same society we celebrate every year. That society that tried to make us deny the Torah and forbid us from keeping from some of its most important commandments, including Rosh Chodesh, Shabbos and brit milah.

And that’s is what Chanukah comes to remind us about, year after year. Sure the wisdom of the non-Jews, Greek philosophy and everything else, looks great. It’s all diamonds – looks nice and shiny but on the inside it is empty - really it is DARKNESS. Compared to the light of the Torah, which is the Truth of Hashem Himself and contains in it that same ohr ein sof that burns in the Chanukah candles, the supposed wisdom of the non-Jews is utter darkness and confusions, borne out of their own lusts and desires and their desire to fulfill them, and hold by a philosophy that enables them to do that. That is why every single nation refused to accept the Torah – each nation wanted their lust and desire, their sin, and didn’t want to keep a Torah that told them to change. It is also the primary reason why accepting the Torah upon ourselves is so difficult according to Rebbe Nachman as he explains in Likutei Moharan – the Torah tells us to curb some lust or desire we have (for instance, our innate desire to please and act like the goyim around us!) and we don’t want to listen, we don’t want to be challenged to change, we don’t want to give up that forbidden thing. So we deny the Torah, or change the Torah (really they are the same thing) in order to keep our lusts and desires.

Even more, Chanukah is all about belief in the tzaddik. We aren’t celebrating all the people who were Hellenists and acted like Greeks. We celebrate “Matityahu Kohen Gadol and his sons” – the tzaddik of the generation – who recognized that in order for Judaism to survive, he had to stand against Greek culture and its subversions. And Hashem helped him. And Purim too – everything was in the merit of Mordechai, the tzaddik of that generation. So BOTH of the holidays of “exile” are celebrations of the Tzaddik of the generation, and the Jews who followed him.

So what about us in this generation?! We can survive without following the tzaddik? To celebrate Chanukah and Purim IS to recognize that the only way to make it through exile is to follow everything they say, even if they say fight the mighty Greek empire! Fight the mighty Persian empire! Don’t go to the feast of the non-Jews, even if it’s 100% glatt kosher! So whose side do we want to be on today? Whose side do you think Jews of the future are going to celebrate – those who followed the tzaddik and had true emunat tzaddikim (belief in the true tzaddikim), or those who didn’t?!

Don’t worry that it’s dark outside now and Chanukah is over. We still have the light of the Torah, and the light of the true Tzaddikim, lighting up the way for us – IF ONLY WE CONNECT TO THEM, BELIEVE IN THEM, AND FOLLOW THEM NO MATTER WHAT – even and especially when that means leaving behind the ways, dress, jobs, lands, and opinions of the non-Jews.

Emuna is the Only Answer to Fear and the Only Way to Cope

In response to a Q&A regarding a little boy who is now afraid to go to sleep, and when told that Hashem guards him, asked: "And where was Hashem for the 3 boys who were kidnapped?!" The mother asked in a forum for the answer to her son, and herself.

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I also asked this same question, just like the mother who wrote in, we are all asking this question, kal v’chomer after Har Nof and all the other things that are happening to the Jewish people. I also am afraid. This little boy doesn’t need child therapy – he just has less keilim to cope ie deny the fear than we adults do! He needs the answer, just like his mother, just like me, just like all of Klal Yisrael.

Well there is only one answer, and that is emuna. It is pashut Halacha from the Shulchan Aruch that a Jew must know that everything Hashem does is GOOD. This is emuna – which is also the very first commandment in the Torah – to know Hashem. We must know Hashem, believe in Him and know that everything He does is for the very best! Of course we all constantly need to strengthen our emuna, especially in the face of such tragedies, but it is the ONLY ANSWER. The only answer to the questions, and the only answer to the fear. The reality is that we cannot understand what Hashem is doing – if we could then we would be G-d Himself. But we can see His goodness in other ways and thereby strengthen our emuna to know that everything He does is indeed good, even and especially when we cannot see it. The Midrash says that when Moshiach comes, we will get a double nechama – we will know that there will be no more suffering, which is a big nechama. But Moshiach will also show us that all of history was all for the best, he will turn around the tapestry that we’ve only seen the underside of so to speak – and knowing that all the suffering was for the best will be an even greater nechama. We don’t have to wait for Moshiach! We can strengthen our emuna now, to know that everything is for the best, that things might seem so very out of control but truly Hashem IS indeed in control of all of it – ein od milvado (that means no terrorist has power for us to fear them!), and if we just call out to Him in prayer, just like we did in Mitzrayim, then Hashem will surely redeem us, just like He did in Mitrayim!

Surely we all need to pray for emuna, especially to really believe that everything is for the very best, and we also to pray to not bear the brunt of such tests R”L. And we have to learn about emuna, just like every other mitzvah in the Torah – the books I found the most helpful were The Garden of Emuna and The Garden of Gratitude, both by Rabbi Shalom Arush Shlita. Although there are many others, I found these books in particular to lay out the fundamentals of these mitzvot the most clearly and understandably, with lots of stories, examples and inspiration. I can personally vouch that the only reason why I am at least partially sane and not totally frozen by this same fear is because of these books which taught me emuna. Although obviously having 100% belief with no fear whatsoever is a work in progress, just having the answer, and knowing where to turn with these questions helps immensely. In fact it’s everything!

Getting out of concealment

In The Garden of Gratitude (can't recommend this one highly enough, especially if you can read it in the original Hebrew) Rabbi Arush explains a concept that in my opinion, solves the situation in Israel right now (what follows is me paraphrasing the book): He says that sometimes Hashem does something that is totally unexplainable. If a person becomes sad and complains about this situation, saying that it is bad, etc. – then he fails to see Hashem in that situation, which is a lack of emuna. Because of this, the person then falls under hastara – concealment. Now, more things happen to the person that are totally unexaplainable and seem bad, without a good in them. If the person continues to complain and not see Hashem, then the cycle continues, with more and more bad things happening to the person that are confusing and perhaps downright evil. But if the person chooses to praise and thank Hashem, even though it really does look bad, then Hashem saves the person and eventually, they will understand how what happened was totally for the best. And if a person has already gotten into a negative cycle of hastara doubling and re-doubling itself, they can stop the process by starting to thank Hashem for EVERYTHING and strengthen their emuna that everything is for the very best. Then the hastara will go away, and Hashem will save them and show them how everything is indeed for the very best!

 

This is true on an individual level, which is what Rabbi Arush was discussing in the book. But it certainly is true on a global level as well! In Israel, people are frightened by seemingly senseless terror attacks which are happening, seemingly at random, all the time. The attacks continue to get more gruesome and terrifying, and people are truly afraid. Afraid to walk down the street, afraid to stand at a bustop, afraid to ride the train, afraid to go shopping, afraid to leave the house. Afraid! The cycle of violence continues to escalate, seemingly completely out of hand. The situation in Ch”l isn’t much better, with reports of anti-semitic attacks and propaganda from literally all over the world, also escalating daily, coming to a low boil and threatening to explode R”L. This to me seems like the solution. If Klal Yisrael, instead of being afraid, complaining and seeing the evil – if we would only start thanking Hashem and strengthening our emuna, not complaining at all, knowing instead that there is absolutely no evil in the world and everything comes from Hashem, and only Hashem can permit a terrorist to touch a hair on a Jew’s head, then the concealment surely would go away completely, and Hashem would surely save us from our enemies!!!

 

*One note – Harav Arush was very strong a few weeks ago that we are not to thank Hashem that another Jew is suffering c”v. We thank Hashem for everything in our private lives since Hashem is waking us up, and that is good! And in general, we can thank Hashem that He is waking up all of Klal Yisrael, and showing us that we have no one to lean on besides Him, and that we know in general everything is for the best etc., but we don’t G-d forbid say something like “thank you Hashem that 4 Jews were killed in Har Nof.” We cry for the suffering of other Jews, but we do not allow ourselves to fall under the concealment that Hashem is not there. Instead, we thank Hashem for all the good that He is surely doing for us, even within the suffering, and strengthen our emuna that everything is for the best, the evil is really not able to touch us at all if we cling to Hashem, and surely Hashem will save us if we only call out to Him.

This Week

B'H

 

It has been quite a week. More than other attacks, the attack in Har Nof on Tuesday struck right at the heart of the Jewish people, and images of men killed in their tefillin like this are reminiscent of the Holocaust. All of Jerusalem is in mourning.

 

That being said, the most important response as I wrote earlier is not trying to convince the world around us to care, or care about even telling the truth about what happened. When we care about what Hashem thinks of us, THAT is when things are going to start changing! So, this is a much longer than usual email in a lot of parts – look at the headings to see each piece.

 

First things first - Update on the wounded from Tuesday's attack in Har Nof:

The best news is that Shmuel Yerucham Goldstein lay tefillin this morning!! Of course many more tefillos are needed, but he's all there.

Eitan ben Sara - Rav Eitan Mualmi – had an 8-hour operation on his arm yesterday to try and save it. They seem optimistic. The blow to his head did not reach the brain!!!! They haven't woken him up yet because he needs kochot to deal with his arm – but Mrs. Mualmi is very optimistic and thanks Hashem that his brain is OK. (it's his left arm…)

Chaim Yechiel ben Malka (Rothman) - The doctors can't be sure whether there's brain damage or not (there is reason for serious concern, at first they thought he might never wake up) – STORM SHAMAYIM!!! They're worried because he lost so much blood. For sure he has lost sight in the left eye completely. Based on his injuries it is clear that he fought the terrorists and risked himself to save others. "The doctors are cautiously optimistic," Rothman-Benhaim said Wednesday. "They're more optimistic about his condition than they were (Tuesday). They're hoping to take him out of a medically induced coma (Thursday) to see how his responses are, his reflexes are." He is from Canada originally and has 10 children, the youngest of whom is only 4.

 

What Should Our Response Be? – More Prayer!

A recap on Harav Arush on women doing an hour of personal prayer , translated and summarized from Chochmat Nashim (in Hebrew), called Women's Wisdom in English. If we focus on prayer and doing serious cheshbon hanefesh (spiritual soul accounting) every single day, from yesterday's hitbodedut until today, we can correct everything and sweeten the judgments on ourselves, and all of Klal Yisrael. Don't forget to spend at least 10 mins of your daily hitbodedut praying for Klal Yisrael! The attack represents dark-side emuna, and the only way to beat it is with more emuna to holiness. Rabbi Nachman explains that prayer and emuna are one aspect – along with Eretz Yisrael and miracles. Prayer is the functional manifestation of emuna, and the key to really living the emuna concepts we learn about. And strengthen prayer – you don't just strengthen emuna, you also strengthen miracles and our connection to the land of Israel.

 

Rabbi Arush says the best time for hitbodedut is while it is still dark, and that a woman should work hard to go to bed early and wake up early, in order to do hitbodedut while it is even still dark, and that the praise in Eshet Chayil (she is awake while it is still night) is brought down by the Ben Ish Chai refers to all the work in the house before everyone else is awake to prepare the house for them, and kal v'chomer for shaa hitbodedut.

 

By doing hitbodedut first thing in the morning, she has a lot of seata dishmaya in her day and has a totally different day because of it. She also sweetens all the dinim and therefore doesn't encounter the problems, difficulties and confusions in her work. Literally, a day with hitbodedut is a completely different day than a day without it, and you pre-empt everything by waking up early for it.

 

If a woman cannot wake up before the children wake up to do hitbodedut because her crying baby kept her up late (I'm not writing this, he said that) or other reasons, then she should "grab her hour" FIRST THING she possibly can, for instance after she has sent the children to school. It doesn't matter if the house is completely turned upside-down, if the laundry is up to the ceiling, and she doesn't feel that she can manage with the house in its present state – DO HITBODEDUT FIRST (again the examples are NOT mine). First and foremost is hitbodedut, and he GUARANTEES that the work done after the hour of hitbodedut will be done easily and quickly, for the same reasons stated above – she will have no judgments and a settled mind to work quickly and efficiently.

 

He ends the section by noting that it is very important to read "In Forest Fields" his book on hitbodedut, which contains a lot of practical advice and details at length, as well of chizuk on doing hitbodedut.

 

Needless to say, he does NOT say that a daily hour of personal prayer is only for men! It is for every man, woman and child on the planet.

 

To finish – a moving emuna piece about the kedoshim, the minyan and the attack from Har Nof

We heard the ambulances. We heard there was a terrorist attack. Then we heard it was at our shul down the road. We got a phone call from Chaya Levine asking my husband to please look at the shul next door to see if Rav Kalman was there. My husband had dovened neitz with him just a short time ago. Rav Kalman gave him a hearty "yashar koach" for his duchening, and went back to learn. My husband came home to get Binyomin Dovid ready for the school bus. You see Tuesday morning is Abba day- Binyomin Dovid looks forward to Tuesday morning all week-. maybe because Abba puts ketchup on the cheese sandwich- or puts more pretzels in the bag than Ima does, or more salt on the salad. Or maybe because he so loves his Abba and their special morning together. And because Tuesday is their special day, my husband dovens at the neitz minyon next to our house, instead of his regular minyon in Kehillas Bnei Torah. My husband might have gone to his regular minyon anyway. Since he was often the only Kohen, on Tuesdays he would pop in for chazaras hashatz just to duchen for them. The carnage occurred during chazaras HaShatz. But Hashem had other plans for my husband. A few months ago a member of the shul, a Kohen, became an avel-a mourner- and he asked my husband if he could be the regular ba'al tefila. This Tuesday my husband did not go back to duchen, because he knew there would be a Kohen in his minyon. So after neitz at HaGra, he came home from shul. But Kalman- where was Kalman? My husband went back to HaGra to look for him. But he had left. Kalman had gone to Rav Rubin's shul to ask the Rav a question. And Kalman did not come home.

We heard names- we heard rumors- we didn't want to believe they were true. Rav Moshe Twersky- the kind talmid chacham who always made time for those who came to him for guidance and halachic advice, and then taught and learned until late at night. He was the one to whom my husband would turn with questions that came up in the minyon. It was Rav Moshe who said at his son's aufruf that this minyon was like mishpacha. We had lost a family member.

R' Aryeh Kupinski. R'Aryeh? No- not R' Aryeh? Haven't they suffered enough? When his daughter Chaya died suddenly in her sleep he was mekabel the din with pure deep faith- and went on to be mechazek others. R' Aryeh- always running to help others; always a smile on his face- despite constant challenges. R' Aryeh was the one who yelled "you run, I'll fight" using a chair against a gun and a hatchet to buy time so that others could flee. The ultimate chesed. 
The names to doven. Shmuel Yerucham ben Baila. Chaim Yechiel ben Malka. Eitan ben Sarah. Yitzchak ben Chaya. All still in need of tremendous Rachmei Shamayim. Please continue to storm the gates of rachamim on their behalf. Avraham Shmuel ben Sheina. Then the rumors turned to agonizing truth- Avraham Shmuel ben Aharon hy"d. Mr Goldberg. That nice warm smiley gentleman who loved Torah and Torah scholars, and every single Jew. Who learned every morning and only then went to work. My husband would set up a shtender for Mr. Goldberg and he in turn would lay out a siddur for Rav Twersky. That was the kind of minyon it was. It can't be. But it was.
What about Rav Kalman? We still didn't know for sure – rumors flying- but Rav Kalman was the most alive person in the world. He was the reason many people came to our shul on Simchas Torah- to see Rav Kalman's ecstatic dancing with his beloved Torah. We should have known if he didn't come home and didn't call something was terribly wrong. But we couldn't believe it could be. And then we heard. The brutal animals shot as they yelled out their vicious war cry. They butchered Rav Kalman as he stood in the hallway absorbed in a sefer-those few seconds gave some of the men in the minyon time to flee out another door. Rav Kalman's last act of ahavas Yisroel was to save the life of his friends. 
And now- Rav Moshe הי"ד, Rav Aryeh הי"ד, Rav Avraham הי"ד, Rav Kalman הי"ד are in the Beis Medrash shel maalah- with their beloved Torah.
Between the hope and the tears we spoke. "Chaya, do you remember….". Binyomin Dovid was a sickly baby with Down syndrome and a host of medical issues and I needed chizuk. I made my way to Bnei Brak to see Rebbetzin Kanievsky. I waited outside until it was my turn. I came in to her- a sleeping baby in my arms. Rebbetzin Kanievsky took one look at him and said "you don't know what shmira (protection) you have in your home". I thought I understood. Perhaps, I thought, other things would be easier because this would be difficult. But now, almost 13 years later, I understand. BD was the only reason my husband was not in his minyon that morning. And because he knew my husband wasn't coming, his post dovening chevrusa- a stalwart regular in that minyon, decided to doven elsewhere that morning. We could not have imagined so many years ago that our son would save his father's life and the life of his chavrusa. 
The stories abound. Those who were saved- Rav E- an elderly gentleman who takes a cab the half a block each morning- but THIS morning the cab didn't come. Rabbi L was on his way to that minyon and for some reason he cannot explain, found himself turning into a closer shul, and stayed there. A. was up during the night helping his wife who felt unwell, so he decided to doven elsewhere. R' S who smashed a terrorist over the head twice with a chair to try to stop his shooting, and somehow managed to run out unscathed. Rav P, Reb B, Rav Pr and Rav F who somehow ran through the line of fire out the door. Rav S who was hiding behind the bima until something told him to get out- and he managed to run through the side door. Rav I saw one of the terrorists in the kitchen on his way in earlier. He thought he was one of the many who come into the shul to take a free cup of coffee in the morning. Why didn't he shoot him then? He escaped through a side door when the shooting started in the shul. Dr. H and Rav W who ran out after throwing a table at the terrorists. HaRav B, who is not a young man, heard the commotion and came downstairs. As he was trying to help one of the victims, he was shot at repeatedly by the terrorists- but the guns misfired four times. When they pulled out a knife he ran upstairs. An old man outrunning two young terrorists? 
And those who were not saved. Rav Kalman regularly dovens shacharis elsewhere and only came to ask a question of a Rav whom he didn't know was not yet there. Rav Aryeh came perhaps once or twice a month to that minyon. The first chovesh (paramedic) who appeared at the scene always carries a gun- but he left it at home that morning. One thing was clear-it appeared random- but it is only random in the eyes of the world- we have to know that it is exacting in the eyes of Hashem, and that while we cannot possibly understand the equation we know it is the Truth.
To us, it is clear that the world is run with exactitude- and that this brutal butchering of innocent souls had purpose and meaning. We must focus inward- -avoiding politics and rage. We must focus our energy inward by asking what each of us can do better than before. That is the Jewish response.
Wednesday morning my husband dovened in his minyon. He set out no shtender, laid out no siddur. R' Chaim, fighting for his life, was not there to call out "kohanim". Rav Moshe was not be there today to lein. He will not ask for an Aliyah for his grandmother's yahrtzeit R"H Teves. My husband took out his gabbai book and added הי"ד to four names.
As Rav Rubin said at the levaya, we must strengthen ourselves in Emuna. We must internalize the knowledge that nothing is by chance, nothing is without purpose and meaning
We must strive in some small way to emulate the kedoshim- so different on the surface but so very much the same- each a true lover of Torah and Talmidei chachamim, each a true lover of his fellow Jew, each a ba'al chesed, each a man with true simchas hachaim. Each of us must look inward; ask "what can I rectify?" Each one of us must make some small yet powerful change. 
The family of the kedoshim asked those who came to the shiva to please take on something for Am Yisrael. This is derech HaTorah. This will give nechama to the widows, the orphans. This will be a z'chus for a refuah for the injured.
And we can pray, that this will be the final chapter in the long and painful history of golus- and this will bring the Geula bimheyra biyameinu

 

AMEN!!!

An Hour of Personal Prayer a Day - For Women Too!

A recap on Harav Arush on women doing an hour of personal prayer , translated and summarized from Chochmat Nashim (in Hebrew), called Women's Wisdom in English:

 

He says the best time for hitbodedut is while it is still dark, and that a woman should work hard to go to bed early and wake up early, in order to do hitbodedut while it is even still dark, and that the praise in Eshet Chayil (she is awake while it is still night) is brought down by the Ben Ish Chai refers to all the work in the house before everyone else is awake to prepare the house for them, and kal v’chomer for shaa hitbodedut.

 

By doing hitbodedut first thing in the morning, she has a lot of seata dishmaya in her day and has a totally different day because of it. She also sweetens all the dinim and therefore doesn’t encounter the problems, difficulties and confusions in her work. Literally, a day with hitbodedut is a completely different day than a day without it, and you pre-empt everything by waking up early for it.

 

If a woman cannot wake up before the children wake up to do hitbodedut because her crying baby kept her up late (I'm not writing this, he said that) or other reasons, then she should “grab her hour” FIRST THING she possibly can, for instance after she has sent the children to school. It doesn’t matter if the house is completely turned upside-down, if the laundry is up to the ceiling, and she doesn’t feel that she can manage with the house in its present state – DO HITBODEDUT FIRST (again the examples are NOT mine). First and foremost is hitbodedut, and he guarantees that the work done after the hour of hitbodedut will be done easily and quickly, for the same reasons stated above – she will have no judgments and a settled mind to work quickly and efficiently.

 

He ends the section by noting that it is very important to read “In Forest Fields” his book on hitbodedut, which contains a lot of practical advice and details at length, as well of chizuk on doing hitbodedut.

 

EMUNAGAL COMMENTS: Needless to say, Rabbi Arush does NOT say that women are exempt from personal prayer ! Every man, woman and child should be doing a full hour, every single day. Nor does he exempt women for being “too busy.” That being said, although hitbodedut is best done totally alone and no one else is supposed to be able to hear it, I do believe that having a baby or very small child around, if this is the absolute only way to do hitbodedut, is OK, but preferably at a time when the child is sleeping or not going to be interrupting your train of thought.