So here I am. January 2005. I’m looking into my first full year working. Last year was tough, and I got pretty burned. But I have learned a lot, and I have some good opportunities on my plate. For growth, for learning, for advancement. It seems pretty enticing.
And yet here I am today. I wore a business suit for the first time in months, and actually did a little makeup for work. I definitely look the corporate part today. Even though I always dress business formal, the suit adds a very different dimension.
And suddenly, I feel terribly out of place. Before, I loved wearing business suits – so much that I occasionally wore them on Shabbos. It was exciting, an adventuresome part of me that was just being developed and felt oh-so-grownup and oh-so-good. Now, I feel somehow misplaced. I look in the mirror and see an immaculately dressed adult woman who looks almost too corporate. I’ve got it down pat.
But inside, I hate it. When it comes right down to it, inside I do not feel like a corporate woman. My dream is not to be an EVP of whatever corporation and make x amount of money and do x amount of deals or whatever. I look into the working world and I see corruption, a zeal for money, and a never-ending wheel of money. Work to buy things so others can work to buy things and lend money so businesses can hire people to work to buy things and make things people work to buy…Utter emptiness. I am whittling away my time every day doing – what, exactly? Yes, yes, making money so I can live. Not to belittle that, but it isn’t a very deep satisfaction either.
So here I am, in this business suit. In this office where I really don't connect to anyone on anything more than a superficial level. I am a Jew. I have to remain separate. I do not eat what they eat, I do not talk like they talk, I do not care about what they care about, I do not think about what they think about. Trying to make it in this corporate maze I don't understand and fundamentally don't care to understand. Could I understand it? Could I work to understand the people in my office, to network, to gain a support system? Yes, of course. But I don't want to. I don't want to have to.
Even more, I don't want to make some corporate visage. I’ve worked my entire life to get that image out of me, to uncover who I really am and live that person. The last thing I feel like doing right now is rebuilding it! Who I am is who I am, and I don't want to reshape that for some job. I expect myself to be the best me, and I am working on bringing that into reality, in my personal life as well as in the office. Where office skills meet personal skills, change is welcomed. But to alter myself solely for the purpose of a job, in ways I don't want to otherwise? To put myself in compromising situations with non-Jews, with men in particular, with people I don't want influencing me, in immodest and non-kosher (in food and in appropriateness) environments? Uh, uh. I do what I can do to get and keep a job within the confines of what is appropriate and acceptable by G-d. But I’m not going to tread on shaky territory when after all, Hashem is ultimately my employer. I work for Him. I do as He instructs, I know He’ll take care of me. I start worrying when I have to do questionable things for some job. It shows I’m putting my trust in people, and not in Him.
So again, back to the business suit. I looked at me in it and thought – who are you? You don't look like the me inside, the me I picture myself being. You look like a corporate woman. But you don't look like me. I looked in the mirror and thought – I know it’s corny but it really works:
Look at me
I pass easily for a working girl
In a corporate world
But can it be
I’m not meant to play
This part?
Now I see
That if I were truly
To be myself
I will never get very far
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight
Back at me
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow, I cannot fight
Who I am
Deep inside
When will my reflection show
Who I am
Inside
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Thoughts on Snow & Torah - WEBSITE
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As I was tramping through the snow last week and looking out at the beautiful foot or more snow drifts of sparkling white, I started pondering the fact that snow is crystallized rain, which is water.
Water is symbolic of Torah.
Snow is the metaphor we use for white, because indeed it can be so glaringly white it hurts your eyes.
So, if you take water (Torah) and freeze it – slow down the particles, thus condensing it, you get ice. Which, depending on the process of freezing, either becomes crystal clear or white as snow. Either way, it’s absolutely pure . As anyone in the North knows, snow any other color than white is because of another substance which is tainting the natural whiteness. So, if you condense Torah, you’re left with perfect clarity, and perfect whiteness – totally free of sin or any blemish. “Toras Hashem temima” – the Torah of Hashem is pure (Tehillim). As pure as the whitest snow.
And what if you heat water up? It becomes steam, a gas. Again, it’s totally clear and even if you don't realize it’s there, just cool it down and it becomes water all over again. Torah can never be lost. It can only be diluted or tainted, c’v. In fact, through all these processes, water never changes chemical structure. Hence, water (Torah) has Hashem’s seal – emes. Emes also never changes. And so too, Torah never changes.
Furthermore, if you really condense ice – like in a glacier – the ice actually becomes blue again. And blue is illustrative of a sapphire, which has many connections to Torah. Some opinions hold that the area under G-d’s Throne of Glory is the bright blue of a sapphire, and some also hold that the luchos, the Tablets the Ten Commandments were written on by G-d, were made of sapphire. In fact, there’s something called a “Star Sapphire” – a super-polished sapphire that reflects light back out in a shape. Guess the shape? A magen david. (Wow. What a coincidence…)
Finally, snow is a magical agent when it comes to farming. Because it traps air, it actually keeps the ground beneath it warmer, allowing the seeds sown during the fall to not freeze over. Farmers love snow because it saves their crops. Similarly, Torah keeps the light of our neshamas (souls) burning, even when we’re in the dark, cold night of exile.
Just my thoughts while looking out at this beautiful winter landscape.
As I was tramping through the snow last week and looking out at the beautiful foot or more snow drifts of sparkling white, I started pondering the fact that snow is crystallized rain, which is water.
Water is symbolic of Torah.
Snow is the metaphor we use for white, because indeed it can be so glaringly white it hurts your eyes.
So, if you take water (Torah) and freeze it – slow down the particles, thus condensing it, you get ice. Which, depending on the process of freezing, either becomes crystal clear or white as snow. Either way, it’s absolutely pure . As anyone in the North knows, snow any other color than white is because of another substance which is tainting the natural whiteness. So, if you condense Torah, you’re left with perfect clarity, and perfect whiteness – totally free of sin or any blemish. “Toras Hashem temima” – the Torah of Hashem is pure (Tehillim). As pure as the whitest snow.
And what if you heat water up? It becomes steam, a gas. Again, it’s totally clear and even if you don't realize it’s there, just cool it down and it becomes water all over again. Torah can never be lost. It can only be diluted or tainted, c’v. In fact, through all these processes, water never changes chemical structure. Hence, water (Torah) has Hashem’s seal – emes. Emes also never changes. And so too, Torah never changes.
Furthermore, if you really condense ice – like in a glacier – the ice actually becomes blue again. And blue is illustrative of a sapphire, which has many connections to Torah. Some opinions hold that the area under G-d’s Throne of Glory is the bright blue of a sapphire, and some also hold that the luchos, the Tablets the Ten Commandments were written on by G-d, were made of sapphire. In fact, there’s something called a “Star Sapphire” – a super-polished sapphire that reflects light back out in a shape. Guess the shape? A magen david. (Wow. What a coincidence…)
Finally, snow is a magical agent when it comes to farming. Because it traps air, it actually keeps the ground beneath it warmer, allowing the seeds sown during the fall to not freeze over. Farmers love snow because it saves their crops. Similarly, Torah keeps the light of our neshamas (souls) burning, even when we’re in the dark, cold night of exile.
Just my thoughts while looking out at this beautiful winter landscape.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Tsunami Thoughts
I’m still numb from reports and pictures of the tsunami and the aftermath. A few things that I have been thinking about:
The reading on the richter scale – 9
Number of countries affected – 11
9...1…1
For anyone who thought that perhaps the date of the WTC was random, or chosen solely by the Muslims, think again. It seems G-d is sending us a message: these messages are from Me!
And if we think the messages are someone else: Hashem only sends messages that will be heard by those whom He is trying to speak to. The goyim don't understand the message. Even the secular Jews aren’t getting the message. The emergency call for tshuvah – is coming to the Orthodox Jews, you and me. So I’m sitting here, trying to figure out what more I can do, especially bein adam l’chaveiro. The Jews only merit the geulah when we’re united, and when there is shalom.
Moreover, the tsunami happened on Yom Rishon, Parshas Shemos. Parshas Shemos begins with Hashem telling the people that He is with them in their pain. The Gemara mentions that when Hashem feels the pain of His people, He sheds a “tear.” How is that tear felt on Earth? Through an earthquake.
Hashem is sending us a message that He has heard our crying and our pain, and He is with us in our time of need. He is telling us that the redemption is near, that the world has entered Shemos.
Rabbi Kaduri of Israel, a leading Kabbalist, says that we are currently in year four of the seven years of the geulah, according to the calculations of the Vilna Gaon. Either way, it seems clear that in coming months and years, Hashem will be “shaking the foundations of the Earth” and our job is to hold on tight, no matter what befalls us.
May we see the geulah shleima bimheira v’yameinu!
The reading on the richter scale – 9
Number of countries affected – 11
9...1…1
For anyone who thought that perhaps the date of the WTC was random, or chosen solely by the Muslims, think again. It seems G-d is sending us a message: these messages are from Me!
And if we think the messages are someone else: Hashem only sends messages that will be heard by those whom He is trying to speak to. The goyim don't understand the message. Even the secular Jews aren’t getting the message. The emergency call for tshuvah – is coming to the Orthodox Jews, you and me. So I’m sitting here, trying to figure out what more I can do, especially bein adam l’chaveiro. The Jews only merit the geulah when we’re united, and when there is shalom.
Moreover, the tsunami happened on Yom Rishon, Parshas Shemos. Parshas Shemos begins with Hashem telling the people that He is with them in their pain. The Gemara mentions that when Hashem feels the pain of His people, He sheds a “tear.” How is that tear felt on Earth? Through an earthquake.
Hashem is sending us a message that He has heard our crying and our pain, and He is with us in our time of need. He is telling us that the redemption is near, that the world has entered Shemos.
Rabbi Kaduri of Israel, a leading Kabbalist, says that we are currently in year four of the seven years of the geulah, according to the calculations of the Vilna Gaon. Either way, it seems clear that in coming months and years, Hashem will be “shaking the foundations of the Earth” and our job is to hold on tight, no matter what befalls us.
May we see the geulah shleima bimheira v’yameinu!
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