I had the most amazing epiphany this morning.
I have been overwhelmed by negative feelings lately. I can't get out of bed until the last possible moment, when I finally overcome my tremendous desire to fall asleep for the rest of my life because I have to get up (I guess all those “musts” in my life that I'm usually fighting are actually serving a good purpose now). People are starting to talk about “anti-depressants” and “trying to take the edge off” the tremendous emotional pain I'm walking around with.
Even more, the trigger situation has really deteriorated, directly resulting in my chronic back disc issue flaring up. BARUCH HASHEM right now it has gotten much better, but still on a daily basis – and a week ago, on a moment by moment basis – I am reminded of my situation (as if I could forget?) by the nagging pain in my back and legs. In psychology, there is a nice little formula that describes my situation perfectly:
Pain + Non-Acceptance of Pain/Situation = SUFFERING.
So I'm getting whammed by both physical and emotional pain right now, and I admit – I have not been accepting it all so well. I feel like I've been drowning.
Even hisbodedus has been suffering. I know I must be doing something wrong because I feel worse, not better, when I'm done (note to self – re-read chapters on proper and improper prayer in The Garden of Yearning). I'm using everything in my toolbox – it could be much worse, Hashem loves me, look at all the little things that are going well, I may feel like I'm dying but B’H” I'm not, and there are people who would take this trial in a heartbeat compared to their own…nothing has lifted the fog for more than a few moments.
I have been feeling utter despair – I don’t know how to get out of this situation and I'm literally frozen by my current pain, and the knowledge that under any and all circumstances it will get worse before it gets better. I absolutely believe that gam zu yaavor – this too shall pass – but I'm terrified by the fire and brimstone I'm going to have to endure before I get there. I have a gigantic, life altering choice before me – and I don’t know which road to take. It’s like I'm sitting in a car, and the engine is running, but the signs at the fork in the road are all turned around. I know one way is hell, and the other is Heaven – but I don’t know which is which. And I just can't make myself hit the gas and drive on either road. I am totally immobilized by fear.
Don’t think I haven’t been davening (or at least trying, as I've explained). But an answer doesn’t seem to be forthcoming. My Rabbi said point blank: “I don’t know. I think you’ll know in the right time.” Inside, I'm screaming: I want answers!!! Where the heck is Eliyahu HaNavi when I need him? Hashem, I simply don’t know what to do! I’ll do whatever You want – but what IS it???
Then this morning it hit me. I'm not driving. Hashem is driving.
But it’s not just that. I feel like I'm not moving, I'm frozen, I don’t know where to go and what to do and and and… AND Hashem IS driving.
I'm not sitting here immobile, looking at my dreams in the distance as they fade into gray while I sit and watch my friends achieve them. Hashem IS driving my car, and yes eventually I will need to veer to the right or the left. The essential thing is that I'm not standing still in the meantime – even if it feels like I can't continue down my path in life until I make this decision.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Pesach Cleaning
A little thought on Pesach, the holiday of our freedom, which is coming up shortly, and the Passover cleaning that I at least dread starting!
Why do we use diamonds on engagement and wedding bands? There is the well known idea that marriage is to “polish your diamond” and that a marriage should be unbreakable, symbolic of the fact that nothing can cut a diamond besides another diamond. I would like to posit another idea: diamonds are judged not only by their size, but also by their clarity. The best diamond is one that has no opaqueness and no blemishes. When you look at such a diamond, the beauty is in the tremendous dazzle of the clear white reflecting in so many colors around the room.
This is our souls. The Gemara says that Sara and Esther were among the most beautiful women who lived, because the beauty and purity of their souls shone through their bodies – and we see this in terms of the radiant faces of tzaddikim as well. However, sin causes the soul to be increasingly opaque and concealed within our bodies. The more blemishes and opaqueness, the less the radiance of the soul can shine through the gray and black muck. The white purity of our inner diamond can be so obscured that, much like a raw diamond, you might mistake it for a sooty rock and never dream that it is capable of being so exquisitely beautiful!
In the secular world, shmutz is commonplace, accepted, and everywhere. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, Maxim, advertising, the girls that cheer for every sports team – you name it. The hard core stuff is just as numerous, a centimeter below the surface. A secular person might even laugh and say: What’s the big deal?
But in a Torah home, this has no place. Kedushah and impurity simply don’t mix – it’s like oil and water. We are supposed to be a light unto the nations, and commanded by Hashem to be an am kadosh – a holy nation. There can be no brachah and hatzlachah in a house, and certainly no shalom bayis, without kedushah. It’s not punishment; it’s simple spiritual consequences.
We have to look deep into our own souls and clean not only our physical spaces of chametz – of the ego and shmutz that we think is so acceptable most of the time – but also our spiritual “spaces.” We need to dust ourselves off, even more than the cabinets! The energy of the month of Nissan which is coming up shortly is all about breaking free of boundaries, of making gigantic spiritual leaps – symbolized by the deer, which is the symbol of the month.
Right now, we are in Mitzrayim – in a closed, tight space. The situation is Eretz Yisrael seems to be getting tighter by the day, especially in light of the various attacks that have happened in recent weeks (reported by Mystical Paths and other blogs). There is no “natural” solution to this problem, and I think it is no coincidence that these events are happening now, as opposed to during a different time of the calendar.
We just celebrated Purim, which took place in what is now modern day Iran. Once again, a powerful Iranian/Persian evil man is threatening to eradicate the Jews, and is funding and training all the terrorist activities in Gaza/West Bank/Lebanon.
Hopefully, we just “cleaned up” our physical act through the mitzvot of Purim – sanctifying our money through giving charity, our food by having the Purim seudah, and our mitzvot bein adam l’chaveiro – between us and our fellow Jews – by exchanging gifts. Now, we need to clean up our spiritual act in preparation for Passover. The diamond is there – but it is so covered in rock that even the diamond has forgotten its essence. Bezrat Hashem, by doing teshuva and living in a way that keeps our diamond sparkling, we can merit the yeshua - tremendous, miraculous salvation, that we so desperately need – both in the land of Israel, and for the people of Israel.
Why do we use diamonds on engagement and wedding bands? There is the well known idea that marriage is to “polish your diamond” and that a marriage should be unbreakable, symbolic of the fact that nothing can cut a diamond besides another diamond. I would like to posit another idea: diamonds are judged not only by their size, but also by their clarity. The best diamond is one that has no opaqueness and no blemishes. When you look at such a diamond, the beauty is in the tremendous dazzle of the clear white reflecting in so many colors around the room.
This is our souls. The Gemara says that Sara and Esther were among the most beautiful women who lived, because the beauty and purity of their souls shone through their bodies – and we see this in terms of the radiant faces of tzaddikim as well. However, sin causes the soul to be increasingly opaque and concealed within our bodies. The more blemishes and opaqueness, the less the radiance of the soul can shine through the gray and black muck. The white purity of our inner diamond can be so obscured that, much like a raw diamond, you might mistake it for a sooty rock and never dream that it is capable of being so exquisitely beautiful!
In the secular world, shmutz is commonplace, accepted, and everywhere. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, Maxim, advertising, the girls that cheer for every sports team – you name it. The hard core stuff is just as numerous, a centimeter below the surface. A secular person might even laugh and say: What’s the big deal?
But in a Torah home, this has no place. Kedushah and impurity simply don’t mix – it’s like oil and water. We are supposed to be a light unto the nations, and commanded by Hashem to be an am kadosh – a holy nation. There can be no brachah and hatzlachah in a house, and certainly no shalom bayis, without kedushah. It’s not punishment; it’s simple spiritual consequences.
We have to look deep into our own souls and clean not only our physical spaces of chametz – of the ego and shmutz that we think is so acceptable most of the time – but also our spiritual “spaces.” We need to dust ourselves off, even more than the cabinets! The energy of the month of Nissan which is coming up shortly is all about breaking free of boundaries, of making gigantic spiritual leaps – symbolized by the deer, which is the symbol of the month.
Right now, we are in Mitzrayim – in a closed, tight space. The situation is Eretz Yisrael seems to be getting tighter by the day, especially in light of the various attacks that have happened in recent weeks (reported by Mystical Paths and other blogs). There is no “natural” solution to this problem, and I think it is no coincidence that these events are happening now, as opposed to during a different time of the calendar.
We just celebrated Purim, which took place in what is now modern day Iran. Once again, a powerful Iranian/Persian evil man is threatening to eradicate the Jews, and is funding and training all the terrorist activities in Gaza/West Bank/Lebanon.
Hopefully, we just “cleaned up” our physical act through the mitzvot of Purim – sanctifying our money through giving charity, our food by having the Purim seudah, and our mitzvot bein adam l’chaveiro – between us and our fellow Jews – by exchanging gifts. Now, we need to clean up our spiritual act in preparation for Passover. The diamond is there – but it is so covered in rock that even the diamond has forgotten its essence. Bezrat Hashem, by doing teshuva and living in a way that keeps our diamond sparkling, we can merit the yeshua - tremendous, miraculous salvation, that we so desperately need – both in the land of Israel, and for the people of Israel.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)