Hashem IS Driving

I had the most amazing epiphany this morning.

I have been overwhelmed by negative feelings lately. I can't get out of bed until the last possible moment, when I finally overcome my tremendous desire to fall asleep for the rest of my life because I have to get up (I guess all those “musts” in my life that I'm usually fighting are actually serving a good purpose now). People are starting to talk about “anti-depressants” and “trying to take the edge off” the tremendous emotional pain I'm walking around with.

Even more, the trigger situation has really deteriorated, directly resulting in my chronic back disc issue flaring up. BARUCH HASHEM right now it has gotten much better, but still on a daily basis – and a week ago, on a moment by moment basis – I am reminded of my situation (as if I could forget?) by the nagging pain in my back and legs. In psychology, there is a nice little formula that describes my situation perfectly:

Pain + Non-Acceptance of Pain/Situation = SUFFERING.

So I'm getting whammed by both physical and emotional pain right now, and I admit – I have not been accepting it all so well. I feel like I've been drowning.

Even hisbodedus has been suffering. I know I must be doing something wrong because I feel worse, not better, when I'm done (note to self – re-read chapters on proper and improper prayer in The Garden of Yearning). I'm using everything in my toolbox – it could be much worse, Hashem loves me, look at all the little things that are going well, I may feel like I'm dying but B’H” I'm not, and there are people who would take this trial in a heartbeat compared to their own…nothing has lifted the fog for more than a few moments.

I have been feeling utter despair – I don’t know how to get out of this situation and I'm literally frozen by my current pain, and the knowledge that under any and all circumstances it will get worse before it gets better. I absolutely believe that gam zu yaavor – this too shall pass – but I'm terrified by the fire and brimstone I'm going to have to endure before I get there. I have a gigantic, life altering choice before me – and I don’t know which road to take. It’s like I'm sitting in a car, and the engine is running, but the signs at the fork in the road are all turned around. I know one way is hell, and the other is Heaven – but I don’t know which is which. And I just can't make myself hit the gas and drive on either road. I am totally immobilized by fear.

Don’t think I haven’t been davening (or at least trying, as I've explained). But an answer doesn’t seem to be forthcoming. My Rabbi said point blank: “I don’t know. I think you’ll know in the right time.” Inside, I'm screaming: I want answers!!! Where the heck is Eliyahu HaNavi when I need him? Hashem, I simply don’t know what to do! I’ll do whatever You want – but what IS it???

Then this morning it hit me. I'm not driving. Hashem is driving.

But it’s not just that. I feel like I'm not moving, I'm frozen, I don’t know where to go and what to do and and and… AND Hashem IS driving.

I'm not sitting here immobile, looking at my dreams in the distance as they fade into gray while I sit and watch my friends achieve them. Hashem IS driving my car, and yes eventually I will need to veer to the right or the left. The essential thing is that I'm not standing still in the meantime – even if it feels like I can't continue down my path in life until I make this decision.