I've always had a principle: it’s easy to be swayed by grandiose philosophies, and hard to see the flaws and issues in them. Therefore, if you really want to know what something is, take it all the way out, and see where it shows you.
For instance, you can look at Christian and Muslim theology to know what it’s really about behind all the talk about love and peace. When Christianity was the main religion and the Church ran the state you got: the Dark Ages. Doesn’t look like emes to me. And the Muslim state? You get Saudi Arabia and the Palestinian Authority – warring gangs, suicide bombers, “honor killings” of women and the general oppression of women, and mass chaos. Doesn’t that look like the perfect hand of G-d too? Not really. And if you look at Judaism you get the reign of King Solomon, when there was general peace in the land, courts of law, justice, and a functional society.
In my mind, the story always ended there. However, I've recently been confronted with a disturbing reality. The peace and chesed (acts of loving-kindness) that I used to see in the religious community I know understand to be a façade. If everyone really keeps the Torah, and to the extent that you do, one can truly reach great spiritual heights. But I don’t see the mainstream religious community doing so, and in fact, I see the opposite. The community LOOKS religious and LOOKS like they’re keeping the Torah, and yet something has gone terribly terribly wrong. These same people commit horrendous crimes against fellow Jews and non-Jews alike, and such fraud is often institutionalized and protected by the communities around it. I have some ideas about what ideologies are taught as Torah that are really sheker, but in the end all and be all I cannot be the final judge and jury of those issues. I can say the system doesn’t work and it doesn’t look like emes to me, and therefore I am disassociating myself with that system for this big picture alone. This simply cannot be what Hashem wants and I refuse to be associated with it.
But now I have a problem. With eyes wide open, I still see tremendous flaws in the other main paths of Judaism that I know about. I still believe that traditional halachah should have a serious bearing on my life and I happen to be most comfortable with a relatively machmir path, although I fully recognize that other paths are acceptable within halachah as well. I am not comfortable with any stream of thought that does not maintain at least the most lenient acceptable opinion. Feel free to call me a feminist, but I am not comfortable anywhere where I am minimized as a woman. I am not talking about mechitzas, aliyas, or learning Gemara. I am talking about being recognized as more than a wife and mother, as someone with opinions that matter and skills that can be used to help others that should not be discounted because “it’s not my place,” as someone who should not be excluded from classes because my presence would detract from the comradery of the men (aka Old Boys Club). G-d doesn’t deal in cliques and clubs, and trying to be extra-stringent in relations between the sexes shouldn’t preclude women from being able to develop themselves, because inevitably it is the women who lose. So where is the life of emes?
I am brought back to a Gemara (no, I haven’t learned it inside so I can't quote you where) that says when Hashem created the world and after Adam’s sin, Hashem realized that emes and shalom couldn’t both stay in Shamayim because the world could not continue to exist being held to such a level. So He “threw emes to the ground” - which is why in the prayer Sim Shalom, we ask Hashem for “bishlomecha” – YOUR peace. Shalom is still in its purest form, in the Heavens, in G-d’s realm. But emes has been exiled to the Earth, where it no longer exists in its purest form. This is why one can, in certain situations, lie for the sake of peace – in the end all and be all, shalom must remain pure while emes can be broken.
I see clearly that because emes no longer exists in its pure form, I will not find a perfect path to Torah existing in the world. Every one will have its issues, every community will have its faults, every person (including me) will have their weaknesses. And right now, the world is at such a low level I don’t know of anything that comes even close to functioning like emes. So I can't rely on some person or movement to try and explain Torah to me. I know it is a dangerous path and fraught with issues of its own, but I feel that the only way I have a chance of being able to live out Torah in a way that’s true to my inner compass is to do it by associating with people and places but not with ideas, movements, and labels. “Asai l’cha Rav” – one interpretation of this statement is that you should make YOURSELF into a Rav. I feel each one of us must makes ourselves into Rabbeim – not in the most literal sense, but in the sense of Teachers and Masters of Torah. And not in the sense of being able to quote a book (pick any and all of them) but in LIVING the Torah, in living emes, because “Toras emes” and “the seal of G-d is emes.” It’s all in the Torah, but people are obviously not reading it correctly, because people are LEARNING TORAH but they’re not LIVING TORAH. Keeping a bunch of laws and wearing a black suit doesn’t mean you’re living Torah. You have to be yashar first and foremost, and keeping the external laws will help refine and protect that. So from here on out, I’m going to keep learning and keep living Torah, even though that means I'm going to be doing it without a community, because I think the only way for me to live emes is to not be intimately associated with communities of sheker. Emes has been thrown to the ground – I'm not going to find it here. I'm going to have to go up and find it myself.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Saturday, June 11, 2005
They Just Don't Get It
BS"D
It’s funny how sometimes Hashem tries to teach me the same thing from all aspects of my life. It’s times like this I really do feel like I'm living in some sort of TV-sitcom, where inevitably the same issue rears it head EVERYWHERE, all at once.
A quick disclaimer before I begin my thought – the following may somewhat smack of arrogance and this is not my design. I will attempt to explain my viewpoint with a balanced approach, but intrinsically, some value judgment must be made in order to make my point. So while different is great in general, in the following examples, different has some really negative aspects I wish to highlight, and I'm not trying to claim complete superiority by highlighting these failings.
The first situation is at work, with a co-worker who…well…let’s just say we’re oil and water. She’s been with the company for over 10 years and I’ve been here for about 14 months, and she’s got more than that on me in age. She’s someone who has slowly worked herself into her current position, and continually puts in effort to keep moving. While she is frequently missing from her desk, when she’s there she at least looks like she’s working and she’s somewhat of the bosses pet, and gets away with just about everything. Very cynical, and very by the book.
Enter – me. At the very beginning of my career, lots of energy, creative, motivated, with a go-get-em attitude. I don’t work for eight hours straight. I work for an hour, get a ton done, and then take a break. Repeat throughout the day and you get lots of productivity in not so much time, but the breaks are essential to my work style. In the end, the work still gets done and gets done well. Add in a bit of renegade, some rambunctious, and the confidence to speak up, and you should be able to see the issue clearly.
She’s constantly complaining that I don’t look like I'm working, and I'm not professional, etc. etc. I say – the work is getting done faster than the people I give my work to can process it. I keep my headphones to myself and limit my breaks as much as possible. What’s the issue?
And then it hit me this morning – the issue is FOCUS. If you don’t have an inner compass, something inside that propels you intrinsically, you have to have an external focus. Work is done only when I SEE you working. Listening to music is not professional because it doesn’t LOOK good. You have to work the external eight hours, even if it halves your productivity, because it’s all about the EXTERNAL. If you’re not all there on the inside, the external is all you have left, and therefore becomes your focus.
Now, having an eye for the external isn’t an issue as long as it’s properly balanced with an understanding of what the external is supposed to be doing inside – because in my mind, it’s the inside that’s the ikkar (essence). Where the external helps you get to the internal – that’s it’s purpose.
The problem is that if they clash, a totally external focus then loses the ikkar to the toful (secondary) and you’re left with an empty shell. If you make me work 8 hours straight, you get a shell of looking like I'm working with very little productivity, because I can't sustain it. If you start with the internal and build an external that works with that reality, you get a little more break time with exponentially more productivity.
So essentially, the fight between my co-worker and I is – what is the focus? External, or internal? Work looking like it’s getting done, or actual productivity? She harps on my lack of external and I harp on the fact that the internal is there anyway, and forcing me to your external makes me lose the internal, which is the point.
It’s like a candle. The external is the candle itself, while the internal is the flame. No candle means de facto no flame. You need external rules and structure. But if the candle is built in such a way that the flame cannot be sustained, you don’t have anything either. The external has to serve the purpose of the internal, it does not have its own intrinsic value.
So you get to my situation at home as well. The issue of working the structure of halachah (Jewish law) to keep your internal spiritual flame alive is far too large a subject to tackle here, but there are a couple points I’d like to make.
Certainly, there is a point in Jewish law beyond which I believe you cannot go, not for any reason, even your own “spirituality.” In these places, the energy needs to be re-channeled – not lost, but not made the focus either. We do not have sufficient understanding of the spiritual to really weigh the options, and if we did, we would realize staying within halachah is the spiritual thing to do.
However, I think there is A LOT more room in halachah to accommodate each individual flame than people feel comfortable admitting. The derech (path) that many religious people may work for many people, and that’s fantastic. But life is not simple and G-d made the world with ten statements, not one. There are many gates to Jerusalem, not one. The tzaddik is not necessarily the one who is the most stringent on everything external. The tzaddik is the one who best uses the external to create the most internal growth and purity.
Finally, the saddest part to me is the loss of the internal as a reality at all. The point of prayer is to TALK TO G-D. The written word in the siddur (prayerbook) is important, we have to say it. But we have to just talk to G-d too! If G-d stops at our skin we’ve missed the point. If being G-dly is about the suit, hat, saying the right words, saying the blessings, doing the physical actions, but they never go IN, we’ve lost. We have to do all those things and they are a very important START. G-d forbid I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m saying do it and THINK, do it and let G-d IN, and give yourself the freedom to find the way within halachah that lets you do with the most geshmack - be it the most stringent or more lenient. If you’re really in touch with yourself, you will find that there are some things you love being mekdakik (very detailed & careful) on. You just don’t have to force yourself to be that way all the time, in everything, if that’s not you. Because in the end, G-d doesn’t want robots who are all stringent, He doesn’t want robots who are all lenient, and He doesn’t want every Jew doing everything the same. He wants YOU. So are you going to give Him your skin, or are you prepared to give Him everything and discover yourself in the process?
So in the end, my co-worker and I just try to avoid each other. Sadly, if you don’t understand a reality beyond your skin, if you don’t know the inside, if you only believe what you can sense with the five limited senses, and you look to the outside to be your guide, you’re the only one who can change that. No one can truly teach you about the inside until you discover it for yourself. And until then, we’ll consider to look at each other and think “she just doesn’t get it…”
It’s funny how sometimes Hashem tries to teach me the same thing from all aspects of my life. It’s times like this I really do feel like I'm living in some sort of TV-sitcom, where inevitably the same issue rears it head EVERYWHERE, all at once.
A quick disclaimer before I begin my thought – the following may somewhat smack of arrogance and this is not my design. I will attempt to explain my viewpoint with a balanced approach, but intrinsically, some value judgment must be made in order to make my point. So while different is great in general, in the following examples, different has some really negative aspects I wish to highlight, and I'm not trying to claim complete superiority by highlighting these failings.
The first situation is at work, with a co-worker who…well…let’s just say we’re oil and water. She’s been with the company for over 10 years and I’ve been here for about 14 months, and she’s got more than that on me in age. She’s someone who has slowly worked herself into her current position, and continually puts in effort to keep moving. While she is frequently missing from her desk, when she’s there she at least looks like she’s working and she’s somewhat of the bosses pet, and gets away with just about everything. Very cynical, and very by the book.
Enter – me. At the very beginning of my career, lots of energy, creative, motivated, with a go-get-em attitude. I don’t work for eight hours straight. I work for an hour, get a ton done, and then take a break. Repeat throughout the day and you get lots of productivity in not so much time, but the breaks are essential to my work style. In the end, the work still gets done and gets done well. Add in a bit of renegade, some rambunctious, and the confidence to speak up, and you should be able to see the issue clearly.
She’s constantly complaining that I don’t look like I'm working, and I'm not professional, etc. etc. I say – the work is getting done faster than the people I give my work to can process it. I keep my headphones to myself and limit my breaks as much as possible. What’s the issue?
And then it hit me this morning – the issue is FOCUS. If you don’t have an inner compass, something inside that propels you intrinsically, you have to have an external focus. Work is done only when I SEE you working. Listening to music is not professional because it doesn’t LOOK good. You have to work the external eight hours, even if it halves your productivity, because it’s all about the EXTERNAL. If you’re not all there on the inside, the external is all you have left, and therefore becomes your focus.
Now, having an eye for the external isn’t an issue as long as it’s properly balanced with an understanding of what the external is supposed to be doing inside – because in my mind, it’s the inside that’s the ikkar (essence). Where the external helps you get to the internal – that’s it’s purpose.
The problem is that if they clash, a totally external focus then loses the ikkar to the toful (secondary) and you’re left with an empty shell. If you make me work 8 hours straight, you get a shell of looking like I'm working with very little productivity, because I can't sustain it. If you start with the internal and build an external that works with that reality, you get a little more break time with exponentially more productivity.
So essentially, the fight between my co-worker and I is – what is the focus? External, or internal? Work looking like it’s getting done, or actual productivity? She harps on my lack of external and I harp on the fact that the internal is there anyway, and forcing me to your external makes me lose the internal, which is the point.
It’s like a candle. The external is the candle itself, while the internal is the flame. No candle means de facto no flame. You need external rules and structure. But if the candle is built in such a way that the flame cannot be sustained, you don’t have anything either. The external has to serve the purpose of the internal, it does not have its own intrinsic value.
So you get to my situation at home as well. The issue of working the structure of halachah (Jewish law) to keep your internal spiritual flame alive is far too large a subject to tackle here, but there are a couple points I’d like to make.
Certainly, there is a point in Jewish law beyond which I believe you cannot go, not for any reason, even your own “spirituality.” In these places, the energy needs to be re-channeled – not lost, but not made the focus either. We do not have sufficient understanding of the spiritual to really weigh the options, and if we did, we would realize staying within halachah is the spiritual thing to do.
However, I think there is A LOT more room in halachah to accommodate each individual flame than people feel comfortable admitting. The derech (path) that many religious people may work for many people, and that’s fantastic. But life is not simple and G-d made the world with ten statements, not one. There are many gates to Jerusalem, not one. The tzaddik is not necessarily the one who is the most stringent on everything external. The tzaddik is the one who best uses the external to create the most internal growth and purity.
Finally, the saddest part to me is the loss of the internal as a reality at all. The point of prayer is to TALK TO G-D. The written word in the siddur (prayerbook) is important, we have to say it. But we have to just talk to G-d too! If G-d stops at our skin we’ve missed the point. If being G-dly is about the suit, hat, saying the right words, saying the blessings, doing the physical actions, but they never go IN, we’ve lost. We have to do all those things and they are a very important START. G-d forbid I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m saying do it and THINK, do it and let G-d IN, and give yourself the freedom to find the way within halachah that lets you do with the most geshmack - be it the most stringent or more lenient. If you’re really in touch with yourself, you will find that there are some things you love being mekdakik (very detailed & careful) on. You just don’t have to force yourself to be that way all the time, in everything, if that’s not you. Because in the end, G-d doesn’t want robots who are all stringent, He doesn’t want robots who are all lenient, and He doesn’t want every Jew doing everything the same. He wants YOU. So are you going to give Him your skin, or are you prepared to give Him everything and discover yourself in the process?
So in the end, my co-worker and I just try to avoid each other. Sadly, if you don’t understand a reality beyond your skin, if you don’t know the inside, if you only believe what you can sense with the five limited senses, and you look to the outside to be your guide, you’re the only one who can change that. No one can truly teach you about the inside until you discover it for yourself. And until then, we’ll consider to look at each other and think “she just doesn’t get it…”
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