BH
I have a dare for you. I guarantee you that your life will change for the better. I would sign a promise to you in fact, I am so sure.
Start out with 5-10 minutes a day, every day, working up to 60 minutes eventually, just speaking out your neshama to Hashem in your own words, at a time when you are alone with Hashem (baby is fine but no one else should hear you). Connect yourself to your good will, your will to serve Hashem. For instance: “Hashem, I want to accept ol malchut Shamayim. Help me. Please Hashem, let me serve you in truth, b’emet. Please Hashem, help me fulfill my mission in this world. Please Hashem, show me the truth. Show me how you want me to serve You.” You can tell Him even that you’re not sure what to say – please help me speak to you Hashem. This is also very good. Even silence. But the best is to speak. Take my words even and adapt them to yourself and read them. Write letters to Hashem and read them. Whatever works! But take the time out, every day.
This is the essential part. You can also speak to Him about whatever else is on your mind, your questions, your difficulties, whatever. Talk to Him about me if you want – “She is sending me all this stuff and it doesn’t speak to me at all! Help me understand what she is trying to relate to me, in a way I can hear it.” Talk to him about your kids, your husband, your deep-seated questions. Thank Him for EVERYTHING in your life, from your every breath, to every organ that functions, to every thing that you own, everything, in great detail. That’s also very good, but the most important is the first advice, to ask Hashem to help you serve Him properly.
I am in no way trying to intimate that you are not currently serving Him properly per say. This is the general advice for everyone, because none of us are tzaddikim – we are all benonim, we all have what to work on. We all have our confusions, our lusts and desires, our places where we are weak, tired, lazy, whatever, the places where we don’t have enough clarity on what Hashem expects of us, etc. etc. Just the emotional experience of feeling your neshama expressing its will to serve Hashem – it’s an experience that does not have words but it changes your life, forever, and gives you power beyond something you can comprehend. And the joy that comes from the experience is also life-changing – that’s how you know that you really “reached Hashem” so to speak. Some days you’ll feel it more, some days you’ll feel it less, but slowly but surely it changes a person into a being that lives from the neshama, instead of illusions. It’s AMAZING.
In case you’re wondering from where I am pulling this advice, it isn’t just Breslev. The Chofetz Chaim did 2 hours of praying like this and also doing cheshbon hanefesh, reviewing his day, every single day. The Ramchal speaks about it in Mesillat Yesharim. Rebbetzin Heller discusses it in her books. There are many, many more sources for it. But the most important is to try it, you’ll feel how good it is with Hashem’s help! And if you can’t feel it, ask Hashem for that too. It’s Geshmak.
I really hope you’ll try it. And if you want to share your experience, I would love to know how it goes. Like I said, start with 5 minutes. And if I’m a total nut case, you’ve lost 5 minutes. It’s worth it to try it, no?
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