Harav Arush stresses the importance of 30-60 minutes daily of cheshbon hanefesh (but no more or you might get depressed!), which cannot be superseded by anything, not even thanking Hashem! This time is important because in doing teshuva daily, we clean our souls every day. This helps us be happy because without strict judgments, things go smoother and faster in our lives. Additionally, we can actually do proper teshuva because we generally (hopefully, even with “pregnancy/nursing brain”!) remember what we did in the last 24 hours, from the last hitbodedut to the current one, to confess and speak to Hashem about everything we did. If we just try to do so Erev Rosh Hashanah and Erev Yom Kippur, how could we possibly hope to remember everything we need to confess?! And the more detailed the teshuva, the greater the future impact. Besides which asking Hashem for help with a particular chesron is of course much more potent than just asking for help once a year! It’s like cleaning your clothes – clean them when they are hardly dirty after one wear and they can be in good working order for years, always fresh and clean. Clean the same shirt only once a year after wearing after day and well, what is going to be with that shirt? A quick gentle cycle isn’t going to get it clean anymore, is it? And instead of mostly only needing water (which is Torah and prayer, sweet teshuva) you are going to need lots of soap and harsh detergents and G-d knows what suffering to get clean.
OK so here I am, now trying to start doing 30 minutes a day. And I start talking to Hashem about how hard it is! After all, I remember hearing way back when from rabbis who said people nowadays should not even try to do a real cheshbon hanefesh because we are too weak in this generation, we will just fall into depression if we see how low we are. Rabbi Nachman does not agree, vehemently so – this is just another example of pandering to the lowest part of a person instead of strengthening them to do the right thing. But truly, if cheshbon hanefesh can indeed make a person fall into all sorts of self-blame and frustrations, then it definitely does more harm than good. So I asked Hashem to help me do it properly.
Suddenly I realized, and this is the point: The problem with self-blame is actually that I think I should be at A, and when I discover that really I am at B, I will be upset with myself, blaming myself, how could I be only at B? What’s wrong with me? Etc Etc. But this is actually a sheker, a lie based on geiva, arrogance. It is arrogant to believe that I should be at A instead of B, because who am I anyway, that I should be in any particular place?
But it is really so much deeper than that. The truth is: WHO CARES WHERE I AM??? HASHEM DOES NOT!!!
Hashem does not care that a person is at level A or B, high or low. Hashem cares only that each person on their level 1. Knows there level and is happy with it and 2. Strives to go up, to come even closer to Him.
That is it! No more. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you have done, or what place you may find yourself in now. Not at all! Hashem does not care. He only cares that you are truthful with Him about where you are, where you are holding, what your actions, thoughts and feelings are – and that you want, strive and pray to do better!
Hashem loves you just the same, no matter what your level is. In fact, He actually loves you more and is more proud of you for coming to Him with humility as outlined above, as opposed to being angry or upset that you aren’t someone else on someone else’s level, because the former is truth and the latter is falsehood and arrogance, which Hashem hates. And if you fall into complaining about being on a particular level, oy va voy.
And with this new understanding that I have NOTHING to be upset or ashamed about whatsoever! And Hashem loves me very much on my level, trying to be honest and come closer to Him! Then I was able to honestly speak about what I am struggling with without the shame that has kept my mouth shut until now.
I hope it helps you too!!!
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